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[ November 30th, 2009 | 9:52pm ] |
ohhhh joshua, way to complicate everything about our friendship to the most extreme level you possibly could.
last night robby asked me the last time i was happy, like truly happy not just with situations and being with friends but just in general, and i don't have a damn clue when that was. then he lectured me about how i need to put myself before my friends because i never have or will.
and then josh told me for christmas he's getting me a boyfriend because he thinks a person would make me more happy than any objects would. THEN HE FUCKING HAD TO GO AND MAKE EVERYTHING AWKWARD.
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[ November 18th, 2009 | 6:06pm ] |
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the lovely bones is coming out in theatres. and i don't know if i'm extremely happy or frustrated about it. i'm re-reading the book though tonight.
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[ November 15th, 2009 | 10:38am ] |
so, i'm google images searching for a chandelier, and of course, i find this:
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[ November 14th, 2009 | 4:34pm ] |
at least once a day, everything in my body just drops as if you've just found out someone died. that feeling of sinking, but its from nothing. or its from hearing something or things like finding out your dads texting your aunt..because thats the person he said he's leaving your mother to go live with. then checking his phone that night and seeing he erased all of their texts.
and i just suddenly got really sick out of nowhere and i'm really tired but i CAN'T sleep. my mind and my body are in a love hate relationship and i'm trying to be strong but its so hard these days.
all the people i love, or are close to, are gone. and i'm twenty years old..and i guess this really is time for the biggest changes in life. i look around at everyone moving away and changing their lives around, and i feel like i'm the only one who's not ready.
ohh boy, my life is rediculous. i worked 18 hours yesterday on three hours of sleep then went out all night and worked for my manager at wendys today. now, i have to go be social because i never have time to except for on my days off. its so hard to manage the little time i have. but theres this lyric from a song i love that says something like "until i die i'm livin` on borrowed time" or something along those lines, and i can respect that.
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[ November 7th, 2009 | 8:44pm ] |
i'm getting drunk and sleeping in the crawlspace, alone.
day one, getting over it.
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[ November 2nd, 2009 | 2:37pm ] |
i'm looking into night classes at fsu.
which would mean no more night work..
which would mean no more wendys.
and if i had my way, i'd get the job i want on hanscom and have no more dunks either. i mean god, i just can't do customer service anymore. lets just face it, i'm not that customer-friendly.
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[ November 1st, 2009 | 9:58am ] |
i got really sick yesterday out of nowhere and in the middle of trick or treating with owen i bailed, went home, passed out.
i finally slept without any aid, HOWEVER, i woke up multiple times throughout the night..and each time i went back to sleep, i had dream after dream about zack.
what. the. fuck.
i miss him like crazy but we're just friends. and yeah, i still like him. but, i've never had this happen before. and i hate it.
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[ October 26th, 2009 | 10:47pm ] |
i miss them. zach won't be able to leave his house/be recovered enough to function until mid-december at the earliest. paul will be in icu in his coma for about four more days..and he's looking at serious criminal charges and then jailtime..
i just wish..anything made sense. or i could just lean on someone right now. i'm so depressed and can't sleep and work too much and i just want to die. honest to god, just think about so many different ways i could die in an instant.
i want a boy.
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[ October 21st, 2009 | 8:03pm ] |
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...like right after i posted the last thing, josh called and asked me to go with them.
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[ October 21st, 2009 | 11:02am ] |
so yesterday i found out about zack and paul's car accident, i was up most of the night crying and i sat in silence for over an hour with josh. but does he, or sarah, even think to ask me to go see zack and paul with them today?
it just sucks, i mean, i don't even sleep at night without texting zack these days. and paul and me have been talking a ton. both their phones are still off.
i miss them, so much. especially zack. last night we were supposed to all drink again and zack and i were gonna share the crawlspace. so when sarah asked me to sleep over, i just couldn't. it isn't right without him there. i need to talk to him, i need to see him, i miss him.
i'm grateful that they're alive, it still sucks that this happened though. and indirectly, i learned my lesson about driving drunk. not that i do anymore. not that i barely even drink anymore.
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[ October 15th, 2009 | 11:16pm ] |
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i can't count the numbers of mistakes i've made, but i'm going to let the lessons i've learned from them teach me and everyone around me how to fix it, and how to move on. i'm going to use those mistakes as building blocks on my morals and how i live my life. i am unpredictable, because i am complex. i am who i am because of what i've been. and what i'm becoming, i haven't learned those lessons yet.
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[ October 14th, 2009 | 6:59pm ] |
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on the night before my birthday, i got extremely trashed. i bought scratch tickets and lost. later, while me and zack were laying and talking, i went on and on about how it didn't matter because i'm going to make millions one day from writing a best-selling novel or ten and i'm going to make something of myself.
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[ October 13th, 2009 | 3:17pm ] |
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its muh birthday!
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[ October 4th, 2009 | 11:22pm ] |
we have tw3o new manager trainees at wendys.
the first one, tim, stares at me for WAY too long, and does it openly. i never even really cared until other people noticed. like, for example, i brought him coffee one night. i was handing it to him, and both our hands were on it, and he just stared into my eyes for at least four sessions of "thanks" "you're welcome?" and finally i looked away and screamed "YOU'RE WELCOME". and everytime we work together he does it just during normal conversation..and jess, johanna, hlee, everyone's been asking me whats up with it. apparently they say he's "searching my eyes" but i need it to stop. the next time it happens i'm either going to ask if we can go talk privately and confront him about it or just keep trying to avoid him.
the SECOND ONE, looks like he wears make-up but is seriously attractive but honest to god has so many quirks that make him seem a liiiittle bit homosexual. so, i confront him and ask if he is. his reaction was "hold on, let me get my ipod" and comes back and shows me FUCKING PICTURES OF HIM, FUCKING SOME GIRL. yeah, you could see every fucking bit of each of them and it was seriously disturbing AND unconvincing. he goes around saying he just fucks and doesn't date but he says it a little toooo casually. i just don't know what to think!
and since kyle decided to make me a complete mess, subconsciously i think i'm suicidal..because the other day i seriously thought i was driving on the right side of the road, when i wasn't. and had four people who were drunk, while i was sober, telling me to get over and i really had no idea why they were telling me this. and josh's friend zack has taken a sudden interest in me but i don't know if i'm okay with it. i'm not like, shallow, but he's just an idiot sometimes. he makes me laugh and has been pretty fucking nice to me..but i can't be with someone who isn't intelligent, at least a little bit.
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[ October 1st, 2009 | 10:04pm ] |
tonight at work, hlee just walks over to me while i'm doing dishes and goes 'kristen i can't wait until you find a boyfriend, and fall completely in love, because on that day, i'll just laugh at you' then walked away.
i didn't take it offensively because i know she means well, but she really got me thinking because once i asked her why she said it, she told me i'm just way too independent and that i'm way too picky. but i'm not picky. i'm not looking to date just ANYONE. i don't even want to have to deal with sex but i know its unavoidable. i just can't find anyone who is intelligent, has any of my interests, or who could ever put up with my crazy work schedules. but its true, i am independent. i always have been. i don't know if you can just CHANGE that sort of thing. i don't know, i want a boyfriend, its just complicated. especially after everything i've been through this year and am STILL going through.
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[ September 17th, 2009 | 10:56pm ] |
so tonight, like an asshole, i fucking starting puking in my sleep. but it wasn't really puke until i woke up. while i was sleeping in was puking/spewing white foam-like slime and then once i REALLY puked it was rediculous and i popped blood vessels in my forehead and both my cheeks.
my perscribtion to my steroids ran out two days ago and ever since my stomach has been having shooting sharp pains as well as more swelling around my left rib, and now i'm nauseas alot more and puking..in my sleep.
i really need my doctors office to be more available.
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[ September 14th, 2009 | 10:58pm ] |
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i've lost everything and everyone..what the hell is the point anymore? i've lost all motivation to make my life better. the only people i had left are gone, and i'm stuck with myself and my own thoughts and its scary as can be this way.
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[ August 23rd, 2009 | 12:26pm ] |
Libra; Sept. 23 - Oct 22:
You probably feel pretty invigorated today, Libra, because you seems to be in a high-energy mode now. It appears that during this month while the sign Virgo is operating, you will be putting friends on the back burner somewhat, because of everything going on behind the scenes at work, and your efforts to compensate for potential losses. There may be a secret that you are bound to keep today, and you know that this is something difficult for you. Nevertheless, the information you have needed to move forward with educational or legal matters will arrive soon.
You are feeling a little withdrawn right now, Libra, and this is going to manifest itself in your romantic affairs. If you are attached, you are best to take a little time out today and allow yourself the opportunity of reflection. If you are experiencing some disappointments in your love affairs, use this time out to look as objectively as possible on the situation in order to move forward. Single? You are more than a little sad about how your love life has been shaping, but progress will not occur if you keep doing things the same way over and over. This may not be the most beneficial period in your love affairs, but if you use this time wisely, you will learn a lot about love and what is truly valued in your life.
ugh, i like horoscopes.
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[ August 19th, 2009 | 1:25am ] |
Tonight, I cried.
I cried for the little amount of love in life. How love runs out with time, and how some people never find it at all.
I cried for my own loneliness, as well as everyone else too stubborn to admit how alone they really feel.
I cried for the fact that friendships will never last forever, because people always change, and no one can truly understand you no matter how much they try.
I cried for the pain we all feel for other people, how we take on their emotions as if they were our own, and how much it truly rules us.
I cried because I overreacted about one little misunderstanding, and suddenly every bad thought rushed through my head about life and death and everything good and bad in between.
I cried for the people who need alcohol, or drugs just to function as a normal human being.
I cried for you, and for me, and for everyone else out there just like us.
Tonight, I cried. But tomorrow, I'll turn it all around
Thats just who I am.
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[ August 12th, 2009 | 1:16pm ] |
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yesterday was much better than the day before. i guess me and jess are good now, because she showed up this morning and brought me out for coffee. we talked about kyle and her boyfriend. i'm so done with kyle, i think. its hard, is all. i work two jobs but thats still not enough excitement for me. even having an hour in between i'm sitting there anxious as fuck wanting to do something. maybe its the pills making me worse, but maybe i just can't control myself anymore. i don't know. i remembered the past two days to take my pills though. i only remember once i get extremely depressed though. fuck, i'm going back to my old ways. i have today off from both jobs and i almost sat here and drank all day, alone. again. instead robby and i are going to a movie though, then me and jess are hanging out later. fuck.
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[ August 5th, 2009 | 4:05am ] |
tonight i realized how much i've changed in just the past few months. i'm really maturing and i feel like that means i'm getting old way too fast. i had a great night with alex and ray though. and i have tomorrow off from both jobs. i work between 60 and 70 hours a week and on my days off i wish i were working at dunkins.
i cannot wait for all the things coming up in the next month SAVE for all the tests that the neurologist will be doing on my arm to check for permanant nerve damage and possibly having gotten CARPEL TUNNEL from my brachial plexitis.
i neeeed to go to sleep so i can wake up to see kyle at nine.
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[ July 27th, 2009 | 9:33pm ] |
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and today i took the first two tests for my GED and i know i at least aced the writing/english part. i think i did okay on the math but math is that class you just NEVER know about.
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[ July 27th, 2009 | 9:31pm ] |
i'm really sick of having to explain to people why i got an abortion. i don't MIND explaining it, its just really get tiring telling the same story over and over again.
i'm not ashamed of it, and i don't really regret it, i just get sad sometimes because i know it was tims, and not isaacs and it would've been beautiful.
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[ July 20th, 2009 | 10:02pm ] |
my schedule for the week, beginning sunday the 19th:
sunday:
dunks- 8am to 1pm
wendys- 4pm to 10pm
monday:
dunks- 6am to 3pm
wendys- off
tuesday:
dunks- off
wendys- 4pm to 10pm
wednesday:
dunks- off
wendys- 4:30pm to 9pm
thursday:
dunks- 7am to 1pm
wendys- off
friday:
dunks- 7am to 1pm
wendys- 4pm to 9pm
saturday:
dunks- 6am to 2pm
wendys- 4pm to midnight
sunday:
dunks- unknown yet
wendys- 5pm to 9pm
my manager at dunks wants me to work 40 hours a week, and my manager at wendys promised me six 4-10 shifts a weeeeeek. i've started saving up a bunch of money and have $120 for now, but i have three more days of tips which is always over $25 a day, and i'll be making enough money between both jobs that i can pay off my bills AND start paying my mom back the "THOUSANDS" of dollars i owe her. i'll give her a grand more than likely, and she'll be happy with that.
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[ July 14th, 2009 | 3:03pm ] |
...and i'm being transferred to the dunks at the shell station in groton and i'll be working around 30 hours a week there!
jess wants me to quit.
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